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Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Eish to marry young...

I remember the days when I used to revel at the very idea of getting all glammed up and hitting the town with my girls. My room in dissarray with dresses and leggings strewn on the floor, testifying to my indecision. Stilleto heels, expensive perfume in the air, Mac make-up and clutch bags in tow. A real Sex and the City type of existence. Ah, the good old days.

Since I got married three years ago, I've noticed a very worrying trend. It seems that most of my friendships have changed. Obviously my friendships with guys would change, that was to be expected. Unfortunately I'm talking about my girl friends; some of whom I have known for many years. In fact now that I think about it, my best friend and I started to seemingly speak two different languages pretty much the minute the ink dried on my marriage certificate, and the more I tried to reach out to her- the more I seemed to lose her. It broke my heart. Sadly this is not the only friendship that has suffered a similar fate. I've wrestled with this for a while now, but mostly I think I have been in denial about it.

As the party invites dwindled over the years, so did the impromptu 'lets meet for coffee' type requests. I get it though, or at least I think I do. People who are not married think that the minute you get married, your life needs to change. Yes, on a personal level a lot of changes occur- the main one being the fact that you now have to adjust your thinking to include 'us' not just 'me' anymore. The truth is, making the decison to get married is in itself a big enough adjustment in your life, the last thing you need is for everything, and your friends to suddenly seem foreign too.

Another thing is that my friends assume that I am not available to come out with them anymore. So whenever plans are being made to either go out or to go away for those awesome 'girls-only' weekends, my invite seems to always get lost in the mail. Then they have the gall to say - "Oh Sal, how we wish you were there" and my answer is always the same- I would have loved to have been there, had I known about it.

I must confess, my poor husband is sick to death of me moaning about how much i miss my girls, so much so, that at every turn, he practically pushes me out of the door to go and socialise with my 'friends'. So I guess you could say that I often find that I'm all dressed up with no where to go.

Have I changed? Are my friends just assuming that because I got married, it means I have changed? A lot of people say I should just start to hang out  with other other married peeps. The thing with getting married young is that most of the people you know and hang out with, aren't married and herein lies the dilemma. Seeing as most of the married people I know are older than my husband and I, we dont connect with them as much as we would with our peers because our peers know our struggles and understand where we are at as individuals.

Okay, okay, enough moaning. Here is a friendly plea to all my favourite girls... Before I was someone's wife, I was just simple old me. I still have the same dreams, fears and idiosyncracies. I still have a crazy laugh, a big appetite and the same set of shoulders to cry on. The truth is; the reason that you think I am not there anymore- is not because I moved, it is actually because you have.

:-( 

11 comments:

  1. Ahhhh Sal! :(
    Good on you for being honest about it all..
    Sometimes people change just from being in relationships, and relationships with friends suffer, so maybe we assume that marriage is the ultimate "I have a new life" stay away from reason to cutoff..
    I don't know.. I have no married friends, but like I said, those in relationships struggle to keep balance anyway..

    People must understand, any relationship consists of two whole people with two separate lives, building towards something together, that will mesh both lives..

    Goodluck hun!
    I can always take you out for a quick cuppa and slice of choc cake K'! :)
    xx
    Zee

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  2. thanks girl, hahahahaha....eish now everyone is felling sorry for me.

    I have never struggled to maintain balance when i was in a relationship, but i know what you mean...you rock girl!

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  3. You're such a beautiful soul...........their loss :)

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  4. Hoowee they are just jelous..friEND,they come and go,friendships end,but famILY,stands for i love you,,,oh well if they choose to move on because you got married then let them,you dont really need "friends"to live life,youve got the love of God,your family and belove husband,what more do you need,,,this actually makes me angry hey,friends are suppose to catch you when you fall,not depart just the moment you find happiness,hai No,,,im just glad and respect you coz you are a strong woman,you know whats right and wrong,your life doesnt revolve around them,GOD is the centre of your univese,trust me,He will never forsake you,you are too precious to him,your are His masterpiece...just live life to the fullest,and always wear that lovely smile on your face,its the cheapest facelift:)...i just admire you,love you Sally.....xoxo
    Ntombenhle

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  5. I think generally, in our African societies, marriage is blown out of proportion from every direction..and its now kinda inherent in us that being married comes with this huge shift from what one has always been to being somebody totally different..and it should not be the case..and this does not apply to marriage only. I have observed that it also happens when one of the friends gets into a relationship..a serious one that is..other friends tends to assume that she focuses more on the new guy than them..but realistically, I wouldnt want my view to be biased, sometimes when we girls meet that man..we can be a little absorbed with the whole new thing..and not give as much attention to the other friends..its really nobody's fault..w just got to create a balance..and as a human being..I know it can be a little difficult..but the idea is to be open and honest about it as friends and keep going :-)

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    1. very true Portia...striking the perfect balance is never easy though, perhaps that is the big struggle.

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  6. This is so true.
    I won't lie but im one of those people who think there are certain things I cannot ask my married friends. As a form of respect I don't ask them to go out clubbing because I don't want to be that friend "o tsamaisang mosadi wa monna o mongwe bosigo", or to make it difficult for them to turn my offer down, so with that in mind I would rather take that friend of mine out for a cuppa or lunch.

    It is difficult to know how to show respect for your friends' marriage show& keep things as normal as possible.
    It really boils down to communication and how your friendship was before you got married. I remember wanting to call a good friend of mine at 9pm an my mom stopped me an told me I should never do that because she is a married woman now.

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  7. but wena how do u feel losing touch with your friends, i mean dont you at least have even one close friend now since you got married.One you can always go out with and talk to? im now scared of marriage if i will have to leave everything especially not all friends but some friends behind

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    1. i do have about 3 really close friends, so don't worry it will not be too bad for you. lol, relax. MARRY YOUR PRINCE, The rest will work itself out...

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  8. I must say most of my friends are married, and our relationships are so much better since they tied the knot. We talk about love, life... and everything else!I think instead of waiting for a 'hook-up call', be the change you want to see. Just randomly call a friend for a coffee, or just to say :'Howzit?'. You can even ask hubby to hang out with the boys and you host your friends for a lunch! When you get to hook up, don't limit discussions to be just about hubby and the kids. You can talk about your career, studies, spiritual walk etc...and ja remember, NO COUNTING CALORIES when eating that cheesecake!

    On the contrary you need to take a rain check on your relationships prior to getting married. Maybe your friends or you have evolved, honestly inspect if the friendships were genuine to begin with. In life think of yourself as a tree. From time to time pruning takes place to ensure growth. You may have gone through a pruning season, that may lead to the growth of other more fruitfull branches. Try revitalise your relationships...I mean they are your girls right??? If the exercise is futile, then, it may have been a pruning season! Your friends may have moved on, and so should you.


    Just like you my friends married young. One of them married at 21, (she celebrated her 11th anniversary this past December). She got married a while ago, and trust me she's still my girl!Through every stage in life you NEED girls you can call up, and just let be! What's a girl without girlfriends!

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  9. Hi Sal how is it going now friendship wise i hope is good girl.

    like you i also lost touch with my friends ever since marriage and 27 so m friendless and it can be quite nerve recking at times... to not have any girls friends to hook up with n just be a girl n not a wife etc...

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