Agony aunt Sal- "To move or not to move?"

Your Agony Aunt Sal is back in the building. If you read one of my previous posts (Titled: Agony Aunt Sal: “Where have all the good men gone?”)  You will remember that I asked you to send me life/love/relationship questions and I would try to see if I could help out in any way. Well, my advice column segment seems to be taking off because I did get some questions, this was one of them:

Hi Aunt Sally

I know u have your own life and issues to deal with but I need someone's help who isn't involved.

Q: I've been dating a man for almost a year now and I do love him just not crazy in love with him, we have spoken about marriage and all but I'm not sure if his the name I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with. His a great man and would do anything for me as his currently doing now, my biggest problem is his over 10 years older then me and another thing we are not friends which means I can't talk to him about everything.

My biggest problem now is he just got an offer to head off a new branch in Zimbabwe and he wants me to come along with him, he told them that they must offer me a position as well or his not leaving and his willing to pay lobola before we go. I love him for putting us first and it would be a good career move for both of us but I'm just not sure about moving across country and things don't work out between us. What will happen then? Will I still have a job or will I have to come back home and start over? Please think about it and tell me what u would do if u were me as I'm really confused.

A: When I read this, my first instinct was to type out a response immediately, because it’s so easy to just churn out something clichéd to a question like this. So I went against that first instinct and decided to really give this some thought. I even had to consult my book of quotes. *Taking a deep breath*.

I can only advice based on what my own truth is. Perhaps you’ll find that I can give you a different point of view or, maybe just echo what everyone else has said to you already. So in reading this, please forgive me if you find that I say what you don’t want to hear, or if after all of this you find that I have left you more confused than you were before.

There are two things I picked out of your email that really stood out for me; 1. You are not crazy in love with him and 2. You are not friends; you can’t talk to him about everything. When it comes to making the decision to marry someone, be sure that you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are madly in love with that person. Marriage is hard enough when you are with someone that you are crazy about, I am afraid that if that isn’t your starting point, you may have to navigate your way through some difficult challenges in the future. (Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without- James C. Dobson)

Look, don’t get me wrong, marriage is not always red roses and wine, but when all of that romance is gone, what remains should be friendship, because that is what will keep you going until you can get that spark back into the relationship. Another thing that you need to consider before you move is that when you are moving to another country where you don’t know anyone else, the person that you are moving there with or moving there for, will be the only person you can rely on for a while, and if you can’t talk to them about your fears, regrets, doubts, hopes and aspirations, then you are going to find yourself very lonely and really missing your friends and missing home.

With regards to your work and career aspirations- it’s difficult for me to advice you on what to do without knowing what your current work status is. Are you working at the moment? Do you like what you do? Are you financially secure? Does he provide for you financially? The reason I am asking these questions is because they will also influence the decision that you need to make. I will say though, I think it is really sweet that he doesn’t want to move if the company that offered him the job doesn’t create a post for you too. But on the flip side one can also say, it would be a bit like putting all your eggs in one basket if you accept that offer, because in the long run this may prove problematic for you and for your relationship. I am really a fan of couples doing things together, however working together, staying together, socializing together, may mean that you lose yourself in the relationship and end up losing the very essence of who you are. (The person he happens to have fallen in love with in the first place)

I know I have really said a lot, I tried to give you as well rounded an answer as possible. Holla back if you need me to expand on anything further. Best of luck!!

One love, Aunt Sal

(Twitter: @salaminaM, Facebook: Salamina Mosese, sallygatez@gmail.com)