Agony aunt Sal- "Should I stay with him?"

I think I am going to need a new blog just for the Agony Aunt Sal section. I am getting a lot of questions. Hey, don’t get me wrong; I am not complaining at all. I am humbled that so many of you would trust me with some of your personal issues. We all need someone to listen to us every now and then, even if it’s someone who doesn’t know us personally. Thank you for letting me posts them on the blog- you never know who else may just be going through the same thing as you. A problem shared, is a problem halved…isn’t that what those in the know say?

(For obvious reasons, I do not mention any names in my posts) 

I'm in a relationshp 4 9yrs nw, I luv him a lot n he says he luvs me bt his actions says otherwise, he's not there emotionaly n physically while I'm always available 4him anyday,he's self employd n says he cnt afford 2take a day off BUT he'll drop evrythng &cancel all his appointment 2help out a friend, I hv 2deal wit my problms by myself. I talkd 2him abt balance bt he's so ignorant,Is it bcoz we've been datin 4such a long tym?I thought abt leavin him bt I'm scared of being alone, I'm scared I won't luv again,he's de only guy I've eva know,he was &is my 1st,my friends cal me old fashiond coz I'm borin indoor kind a girl while their busy double datin, playin games &is Not who I am or how I was raised, don't know what 2do I'm so confused. Pls help Aunt Sal...

It sounds to me like you are not in a very healthy relationship. That’s the harsh truth. You seem to be giving too much of yourself and receiving too little in return. I have often noticed that so many women are willing to martyr themselves in a relationship, even if it is not a relationship that makes them happy. Don’t be content with accepting less than the best.

“People are going to treat you according to the value you place on yourself.” You have allowed him to treat you like this for too long, he doesn’t think you will ever leave, so he has no reason to change his selfish ways.

Nine years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, so I can really understand your apprehension when it comes to moving on. I have to ask you though, what are you doing staying with a man who firstly, hasn’t at least asked you to marry him after 9 years? Who secondly, still drops you for his friends? And who thirdly, doesn’t have your back the way you’ve got his? You have imprisoned yourself in your mind. If the relationship is still not making you happy, and you have known this man for nine years now, what do you think more time is going to change? Sometimes when you have been with one person for a long time, you stop making an effort with that person and you get so used to having them around that you forget that you still need to show them that you love them in word and in deed.

You are a beautiful woman. You are certainly not boring just because you happen to commit to a relationship and you don’t change men like people change nail polish. That is something to be proud of.

Love yourself enough to not stay with someone out of habit, or out of fear that you will not find someone else to love. I know starting another relationship can be daunting, but staying in a bad one just to avoid starting over, isn’t ever going to make you happy in the way that you deserve to be. It is time to take the bull by the horns; make him understand that you are not happy to just accept him taking you for granted anymore. If he isn’t going to make you a priority in his life, and let his friends know it too- then you need to make the very serious decision of possibly moving on.

One love...

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